I have been staring at my laptop for about an hour now, trying to collect my thoughts and arrange them in order to start writing my essay, but I can’t. I am a mess. I feel like I’m lost and trapped in this huge ocean I like to call my mind. Therefore, I’ll just follow the rhythm my hands decide to dance to.
Over the years, I believe I started building up someone who wasn’t me. I created a whole different version of who I really am perhaps because I felt like that is the key to fitting in; or maybe I just wanted to be the version of someone I thought people would mostly like. But one thing is for sure, I carried fear inside of me, fear of acceptance, reality, change, and fear of revealing who I am. I felt lost between the thoughts of whether I am the person I show, or if I’m the person who deep down, I feel is myself. Whether I am this naive girl who is looked at as hyper, even insane; or if I am the girl who simply loves to gaze at the moon & stars, and enjoys one’s company. Here’s what’s funny, I am none. And that’s what you’ll see throughout this essay.
Something quite peculiar happened to me earlier this year. I don’t know how or why, but I woke up one morning with an emotion I haven’t felt in quite a long time. I felt like I was in control, in control of my own mind. Having this power felt quite strange at first, it even felt wrong. But as the days kept on passing I realized that I am starting to find my puzzle pieces that were shattered all over the place, some even I lost. And that was the best feeling I have ever known because although I had only just started to find pieces of myself, and I’m not even halfway through gluing these fragments together; I knew that eventually I will. And someday my puzzle will ‘almost’ be complete.
This puzzle will never be whole, in fact none of our puzzles ever will be. Because we all lost certain parts of ourselves at some point or another; which if you think about, actually is not that bad. In fact these parts we lost are taking an enormous role in helping us create a new version of ourselves that we personally love. In contrast to that, our puzzle shouldn’t even be fully complete, because if it is, then what is the purpose of existing at all?
These parts we lost are feelings we may have once had, and needed to let go of, or the grief we felt when we were forced to say goodbye to someone we loved. These pieces are all of our tears and restless nights. They are the moments we hit rock bottom, the nights we felt like giving up, and the days our hearts felt way too heavy to the point where we couldn’t even find the ability to get ourselves out of bed. All of these emotions take a role in helping us discover who we are. Now I’m certainly not saying that we’ll never feel these feeling again, in fact we will; once, twice, even a million times. But surely, the way we cope with them will be different. Because at least then, we would have finally met our true self.
Here’s something I’d like all of you to know. This cage you feel trapped in, is of your own creation. And the only person who can help you unlock the cage and free yourself, is you. You aren’t lost between the walls of your labyrinth; in fact you do know your way out. You know the path you must take to escape this maze but you are just too afraid to even try step a foot outside of it, you’re afraid of change. Let go of that fear and watch how you will be rising like never before. Watch how all the stars will gasp in awe at the beautiful human that you are. And whoever can’t accept the person you’ve become, then you may gladly let them go and start thriving in this world, freely and blissfully.
In a matter of a year, I know that I’ve drastically changed. But one thing that hasn’t changed and I believe never will, is my admiration towards the stars and the moon, and the way I feel fire running through my veins whenever I read an enchanting piece of art or when I hold a pen in the palm of my hand, and begin writing words on a piece of paper. I have found my source of power in between lines of fear, hurt, and bravery and I started putting my pieces together; now it’s your turn to do so.